Tongue slightly in cheek, here are the six reasons why I'm staying away...
Disagree? Let me know why...
Agree? What else gets your goat about them?
1/ Artisan coffee vendors - Yes, I need a coffee. Yes, I would like a 'nice' one, I find Starbucks bland and incipid. However, I don't really give a flying one exactly where the bean comes from. Nor do I want a lecture on the history of the particular farmer who grew it. And frankly when I get to the front of the (very slow moving, you little perfectionist you) queue to find you 'disagree' with my partners request for skimmed milk or refuse to tend my hangover an extra shot because it'll damage the 'balance' of your beverage I find it a little tedious. I. Just. Want. A. Coffee. And I'm putting up with the sort of preparation I'd expect from a £15 cocktail. It costs how much for a pair of lattes? Damn.
2/ The £9 burger boys - it's the same van I see outside Crystal Palace Football Ground, with the same staff I see outside Crystal Palace Football Ground. But you've slapped a slightly wonky graphic of a rare breed cow on the side, bought a ton of whole grain 'artisan' rolls and added a fiver to the price. And no, I'm not going to pay an extra 'paand' for braised heritage onions or authentically fake American cheese. And if you come near my slightly sorry looking bap with guacamole then I will get very angry...
3/ the vultures - oh sorry, it's me getting between you and your umpteenth piece of free Cheddar? I do apologise, that'll teach me for having the temerity to try and buy something... Why do you never buy anything? Oh yes, because it's six times the price of any other shop and you'd rather scavenge for your lunch...
4/ street food that isn't street food - just because it's ethnic doesn't mean I have to stand in the drizzle / burning sun trying to work out how to eat it from a rapidly dissolving, recycled paper plate. We weren't the only culture that sits down to eat, though we might be the only culture to have evolved past that point to charge people over the odds for something inedible that will end up smeared over their beard or in a bin.
5/ Hipsters
6/ Vegetables that aren't vegetables - I get that they're fresh, is that why they're still covered in mud? And that they're so stunted and weird I'll have to cut 2 thirds of it away. Is that because they're organic? Or because you can't grow vegetables fit for human consumption in a Dalston roof garden?
Are you referring to the coffee seller at Brockley Market?
ReplyDeleteI hate food markets that charge to get in?
What burger van are you referring to?
@ Rachel - Thanks for reading and commenting, I agree with you on the charging thing... that's why I wouldn't ever go back to Taste London! I've had that a couple of times with coffee types, though not the one at Brockley (to date!) and as for the burger van, there are some goodies out there (and while a great burger is a truly wonderful thing, it is 'just' a burger at the end of the day!)
ReplyDeleteRich
Great post man we need more like this to protect our minds from the waves of shit and hype that wash over London's 'foodland' every month. Most of these things are a f--king swizz and those who say so get shouted down.
ReplyDeleteI feel you could tap into more bile and hate. Make it a list of ten.
@ Terd (lovely name by the way...) It was a bit of tongue in cheek... I'd much rather a slightly pretentious food market than a soulless wasteland flanked by chain eateries. It'd definitely an issue close to people's hearts though!
ReplyDeleteRich
Organic tongue and slow-braised cheek with mesquite sauce? Yes sir have it in a small sourdough bun and just pass me that seven quid. Luvly! Thanks. NEXT!
ReplyDelete